Despair
by 3.14159 26535 89793 23846 2643
Summary: How does Alicia cope after the events of that night? How can she possibly get past it and move on with her life? My take on what happens after Ethan leaves. TRIGGER WARNING. Can the team help her?
1. Chapter 1 (06-09 07:24:12)

**TRIGGER WARNING. Mentions of self harm and sexual assault.**

 _This is my first fanfic in quite a while. please review to let me know how you find it. I would really appreciate it. Thank you._

"How did I let this happen?" The young Doctor muttered to herself- her strained voice full of self loathing and disgust.

She wanted to scream but she didn't have the energy - her throat was so sore from hours of crying and retching that she had all but lost her voice.

Her body was letting her down just as it had done the previous night, all she could do was sob quietly, sat on her bare mattress with her knees tucked up to her chin, rocking gently and staring straight ahead. In a moment of frustration she bit down hard into the soft , supple skin of her thigh. Enjoying the momentary distraction she bit harder and harder still- until she could taste the distinctive metallic taste of her own blood.

Shocked at her own actions, she stopped abruptly- looking down at her throbbing thigh- she could see a bloody bite mark surrounded already by a large bruise, even in the dimly lit room it was clear to see that she had damaged herself quite badly.

Straining her eyes to get a clearer view she found it oddly comforting- neat indentations made by her perfect teeth- all of which were now weeping blood - something that she made no effort to stop.

So relieved by the momentary distraction ; she started to pull at her hair when it began to fade, needing it back. Feeling a strong surge of anger and pent up frustration- she formed tight fists, the skin over her knuckles stretching until it was perfectly white, her nails digging into the palms of her hands.

She hit herself repeatedly in the face. Feeling she deserved this punishment she hit harder and faster until she was so exhausted that she just couldn't move her arms anymore .

Her face was throbbing with pain which she focussed on completely, taking calming deep breaths and ironically feeling more in control than she had done in some time.

Silent tears rolled down her face , stinging the red raw skin around her eyes- hours of salty tears and running mascarer being in contact with her usually flawless, soft skin was beginning to have a physical effect- as well as the beating she had given herself. She could feel the skin of her face tightening as her eyes began to swell, and unbeknownst to her- blood was slowly dripping from her injured nose, down onto her legs. The droplets were all taking different paths- some were merging with the blood from her bite mark, some were dripping onto her mattress with a quiet drip, drip, drip...

Slowly and painfully she was reliving the events of the previous night, feeling her chest tighten in panic and her mouth open in disbelief of what had occurred.

She shook her head – how had she gone from a confident young Doctor with the world at her feet to a mess who could see absolutely no solution?

She had no idea what to do to make it better, she could not see any way that anything could ever get better now, she was ruined.

She felt pang of hurt as she thought of Ethan. Just as she had thought things couldn't get any worse, it had done. She had hurt and disappointed him too. What next? Who was she going to hurt next?

Even when she tried to do good she ended up hurting people.

She was so scared. Of everyone. Of herself. The past, the present and the future.

For the first time in her life the driven doctor did not know which way to turn.

Looking at her alarm clock she was surprised to see that it was already 7:00am. She was expected to start her shift at 9:00am.

She knew one thing.

She wouldn't be attending.

 **Please review, thank you!**


	2. Chapter 2

Waking up from a restless, uncomfortable slumber- the first thing that Alicia registered was her discomfort- she had been curled up for over an hour in a very unnatural position after crying herself to sleep- and her muscles were screaming- after running for miles, the physical exertion of her time out in the field and the lack of rest over the last couple of days- her body was protesting loudly.

Stretching out to try and ease the pain- she felt a sharp pain from her thigh as the fabric of her shorts moved, taking with it the scab of dried blood that had formed , causing it to bleed slightly and sting sharply.

This pain prompted everything to come flooding back. Last night, the night before. Almost unable to comprehend her current predicament, and sad to no longer be oblivious to her problems as she had been for those initial blissful seconds upon waking, she put her head in her hands. She flinched at the pain it caused her. She then realised that her face was throbbing, and she had a dull ache behind her eyes.

She was truly shocked by the pain, not helped by still being a little groggy and confused after only just having woken up and yet still being completely exhausted.

Standing up with a start, Alicia felt dizzy and her stiff, tired limbs would not quite obey her demands- she stumbled forward slightly, having to hold her hands up to the wall to steady herself, and wait an uncomfortable, seemingly long minute to regain her composure.

Walking gingerly, taking care to guide herself through the dark room- she made her way to the bathroom- to look in the mirror, wanting to see exactly what she had become.

She knew she couldn't look any worse than she felt.

In the slight light of dawn , with it shining through the small window -with the room otherwise in darkness, Alicia could already see bruising and her slightly swollen facial features were indeed noticeable. Reaching to turn the light on, she squinted as she did just that. The harsh artificial light clashing with her sore, stinging tired eyes. After they had had time to adjust she could finally look at herself properly in the mirror, not that she wanted to see herself anymore.

Slowly opening her eyes the first thing she noticed was the dried blood, all down her top, and looking down she realised her shorts also - the source was clear as she examined her face more clearly- there were clear tracks of dried blood down her face, some of which flaked off as the skin moved, due to Alicia's startled expression.

Her face felt tight and constricted due to the swelling, and the dried blood, mascara and salty residue from the many tears her had shed had all built up on her face over the night.

Feeling disgusting and panicked by this feeling- trapped yet again, she turned on the cold tap of the sink and splashed her face with the cold water, trying to clean herself and make herself feel normal again. If that was even possible.

Her breath caught in her throat in shock due to the cold water, bringing back memories of the previous days events- for a split second she wished she had been killed by the falling wall- which truly shocked her.

Then she thought of her patient from that case and wondered how she was doing- feeling selfish and ungrateful as in her eyes her life was still a lot better than that afforded to many people, not that she deserved it.

Not feeling clean enough, she turned around to switch the shower on, removing her dirty, uncomfortable clothing as quickly as she could- and slowly climbing in, she let herself enjoy the hot water for a brief few seconds. Then she turned the dial to be on the setting which was as hot as possible, grabbed a sponge and her shower gel and started scrubbing herself as roughly as possible- trying to remove all traces of the last few days.

Once she had gone over herself four of five times, and having washed her hair , she began to feel exhausted again and had to slowly lower herself down to the floor of the shower as her head began to feel heavy and she felt the world go fuzzy, as if she was losing contact with it . After a minute or two of being sat down she felt a little better, her vision was clear once again.

However she did not bother to move from the hard, slippery floor of the shower- just staying crouched up with the hot water cascading over her for almost an hour; hoping and praying it would cleanse her.

With her skin pruning and sore from the overly hot water, she finally found the strength to get out of the shower. First raising her self to her knees, she then used all of her energy to stand upright. Feeling dizzy yet again she had feel along the wall to the switch to turn the shower off, her eyes closed to quell the dizziness.

She then managed to slowly climb out of the shower, starting to feel a little nauseous.

Grabbing a towel, she sat down on the closed toilet seat, and towel dried her hair with what little energy she did have left. Resting her face in the towel afterwards, she then gently patted the rest of her body dry, having to be gentle due to the pain- she realised she was covered in bruises- her legs, arms and torso were littered with them. Angry- purple and blue they were clear- in contrast with her pale skin.

Most likely from the coach incident, she thought to herself. Seeing the angry looking bite mark, she reached for the bottle of antiseptic that was kept on the windowsill- opening the bottle and pouring a little onto the towel , she then dabbed onto said wound. She knew how dangerous human bite wounds could be, and even though she didn't care about herself in this moment, she enjoyed the stinging pain, the strong smell and the sense of being a little cleaner.

After around 20 minutes, she stood up to reach for her hairbrush, and slowly detangled her damp hair- tying it into a wet ponytail after she had finished. Catching sight of herself in the previously fogged up mirror, she gasped.

She had 2 dark rings around her eyes- a combination of the lack of sleep and bruising the likely culprit. She had an angry bruise of the left hand side of her chin, and another on her forehead. She could see a slight swelling to the bridge of her nose , though her eyes were certainly less swollen than before.

Realising that she looked a mess, she flees the room- needing to find some clothes to cover herself up as she couldn't stand to see herself anymore.

Pulling a long sleeve t shirt, pyjamas bottoms and thick socks on, she carefully shut the draw from which she had grabbed them, not liking the mess.

Walking back into the bathroom and purposefully not looking at the mirror, she picked up her dirty clothes and put them in the laundry basket.

Coughing , she was reminded of how dry her mouth and throat were- so she drank a small amount of water from the tap , then brushed her teeth and rinsed her mouth out with mouthwash.

Opening her medicine cabinet, she grabbed the bottle of sleeping tablets that she had acquired whilst struggling to cope after Cal's death.

The recommended dose was two but she took four anyway, she would have taken more but that's all that was left.

Swallowing them dry and feeling them slowly slide down her throat, she hoped they would take effect soon.

Thinking of Cal for a moment, then thinking of Ethan- she felt a rush of adrenaline. Work! What time was it? She knew she could not face it today, but she hadn't let anyone know. She really didn't want to draw attention to herself so wanted to make an excuse and keep people away.

Heading downstairs slowly to get her phone, she could hear the buzz of it vibrating angrily on the kitchen side. Too scared to go near it while it was ringing, she hit in the doorway, peering into the room.

When it had quietened down, she slowly headed towards it- the first thing it told her was that it was now 9:56 am, the second was that she had 15 missed calls and 7 text messages.

Unable to face dealing with this after all and feeling the panic rising up in her again- she turned her phone to be face down and walked away.

She doubted that anyone cared anyway. Maybe they were just wanting to have a go at her. She knew she was a disappointed and didn't need to be reminded.

Heading back up the stairs she felt even more tired than before, her limbs were tired and heavy and it dawned on her that the sleeping pills must be taking effect.

She had not eaten for over 24 hours and had barely had anything to drink, it made sense that they would act fast, not to mention the dangerous dose she had taken. Reaching her bedroom, where her bare mattress confronted her- she picked up an also bare pillow from the floor and a spare blanket from her wardrobe .

Collapsing onto the bed, she let her mind wander and she managed ll to sleep.

Her phone continued to vibrate loudly downstairs.

10 missed calls from the ED.

4 from Connie.

2 from Ethan.

And 1 from him.

Falling deeper into unconsciousness, she had no idea what a fuss her absence was causing in the ED.


End file.
